FREIGHTAn adult situation comedy

"Brrrraaaaaaaaackkkkkkkkhhhhhhhh!" The morning bell (sounding like an albatross trapped in a blender) rings at Package Delivery, Inc., located in a decrepit New Jersey warehouse across the Delaware River from downtown Philadelphia. It is a low-rent, no-brain Federal Express-type operation, as evidenced by the big, stained, banner on the wall proclaiming the company's oh-so-brilliant advertising slogan, "We Deliver Packages."

The drivers begin pulling packages off a huge conveyor belt and filling their trucks. It is a simple, dumb job. But the drivers are not simple or dumb. They are, for the most part, intelligent and cultured. They carry on conversations about fine wine, opera, and current events.

Flitting all around them, like light-starved moths, are the
SUPERVISORS -- immature, insecure, and inept, much like the villain's sidekicks in Disney movies. They create fires in order to get credit for putting them out. (SUPERVISOR 1: "Step back from the conveyor belt and lissen up. You are letting too many pieces of freight for your route pass by.")

At the head of the belt is the "scan and drop" table. The show starts here -- via a cold open -- every week. As drivers do mindless barcode scanning, they joke about the events of the day. This rapid-fire jokefest is FREIGHT'S equivalent of THE TONIGHT SHOW monologue. F'rinstance:

STEVE
Did you see George Bush and his re-election team
last night on CNN?

FABIO
Yeah. Bush was so intent on keeping his job he had
the presidential seal tattooed on his forehead.

SUGARBEAR
I saw Bush on MTV. He was singing
"Giving Up Is Hard To Do."

FABIO
Down doobie-doo down down, comma comma,
down doobie-doo down down, comma comma....

FABIO, SUGARBEAR and STEVE
Down doobie doo down down, giving up is hard to do!

FABIO
(singing, imitating George Bush)
Don't take my job away from me
I deserve the presi-den-cy
I may be stuck in Iraqi poo
But giving up is hard to do

Remember when the war looked bright
and the bombs were dropped all through the night
Approval ratings were explosive too
Sigh. Giving up is hard to do

SUGARBEAR and STEVE
They say that giving up is hard to do
With our George, you know that it's true
If George can’t end Iraq’s tragedy

SUGARBEAR
Instead of bin-Laden it will be him

STEVE
With the ex-it stra-te-gy!

FABIO
(looking up towards Heaven)
I beg of you don't say goodbye
Don't give the election to that other guy
(an aside)
Jesus, save me from Rumsfeld, too.
Dang-nabbit!
ALL
Giving up is hard, giving up is hard to do!

At the center of this activity is driver STEVE SPOTT. Steve
is the 30-something father of two young children, now coping with life post-divorce. A former beauty shop owner, he works here for the benefits and to be in the same town as his kids. ("I'm living in poverty, working at a stupid job, and being kicked around daily by lawyers. But when I picture the faces of my kids in front of me, my rented room becomes a rowhouse in Rittenhouse Square, at work I'm Regis Philbin delivering packages of money, and the lawyers live in a beautiful country cabin... in the Blair woods.")

Into this world enters ANA ALEA, about 30, newly divorced, no kids. ("My ex-husband didn't want to have kids. He wanted to stay the only child.") Her ambition is to start a small business, somehow working with children. ("Wouldn't that be a kicker? I want kids so bad I would pay for the privilege.
And it might turn out that they'll be paying me.")

When she and Steve meet, there is an immediate sizzle – but they are both too shy and resigned to acknowledge it. However, the seed of friendship is planted. Will it grow into love?

Steve takes Ana under his wing, explaining ridiculous work rules ("You can't use your sick days when you're sick") and the different nicknames for people ("He's Peanut because he's small like a peanut. He's Fabio because he is, well, er, not anything like Fabio.") He tells her that the building is called "the barn," and that management rates everyone as either a "cow" (milks his route) or a "horse" (races through his route.)

Moos, whinneys, galloping hooves sound effects, and bad cow/horse puns are, from time to time, made by drivers commenting on the action.

Whenever the drivers talk about barnyard animals, the topic invariably turns to sex. (Handsome, egotistical TOMMY
McLAUGHLIN: "This stallion doesn't need your sound effects.
I make her whinney on my own!" FABIO: "Somebody better get a shovel. This ‘stallion’ just dropped a load.”)

We occasionally visit family court with Steve. Court proceedings happen in a surreal vaudevillian style.

JUDGE WASHON-WEARIT, Steve's judge, has the habit of having personal needs attended to while holding court. (She reflects: "That's the most moving speech about fathers and children that I have ever heard. But I can't stop laughing because my pedicurist is tickling me!" And she rules: "You've been before me on this same issue for over a year now. It's been impossible for you to settle it yourselves. But I am not going to help. What do you think? That I am being paid to make decisions for people?")

Combine the workplace absurdity of DILBERT, the romantic obsessions of CHEERS and FRIENDS, and the ensemble comedy of TAXI, and you get FREIGHT -- a sharp, intelligent comedy about real people. It's a show about how integrity, loyalty, and growth can get you through the obstacles -- and around the difficult people -- of life.

Comedy flows from the conflict between drivers and management, the contrasts between dating in the 20s and in the 30s, the personal growth (and personal stumbling) of two people falling in love post-divorce, and from the shenanigans of family court.

FREIGHT is based on the true life story of its creator, Bill Weber. As a driver for 5 years in a suburban Airborne Express facility, he maneuvered through the family court system and lived through the conflicts, contrasts, and comedy of life.


MAIN CHARACTERS

STEVE SPOTT is a smart, social, self-aware thirty-something
man dealing with life post divorce: poverty, dating, part-
time parenting, and unfinished court business with the ex-
wife from hell. Steve and his ex-wife used to own a beauty
shop. He took a Package Delivery driver's job to provide
medical benefits for his two young children, and to distract
himself from the injustices of the family court system.
("The physical workout here is a snap compared to the
emotional workout there!") He is the center of the ensemble,
and explains and mirrors the insanity around him. ("See the
Supervisor over there? He's doing Alex Sofra's work, sorting
letters by zip code. Alex told him he couldn't do it. They
were too poor to have zip codes in Russia!")

ANA ALEA, about 30, is a charismatic Latina spark plug who is
the new driver on the job at Package Delivery. Freshly divorced with no kids, she can hold her own in the locker room atmosphere of Package Delivery, Inc. ("This place is cold and smells of gas. Just like a man.")

TOMMY McLAUGHLIN, early 20s, is the barn Casanova. Extremely
handsome and knows it. Sometimes offers the other drivers
his "cast-offs." ("Lissen, Peanut. You meet me at Adam's
Beer Garden at 9 tonight. There's this chick I'm gonna set
you up with. I'm telling you, she will be all over me, I
mean you. You just tell her you are me, I mean, know me."
His other love (besides himself), is baseball. ("Baseball is
the perfect sport: You don't gotta get sweaty or worked up.
You just got to run around the bases fast enough that your
hat flies off and your hair looks good.")

DEBBIE WILLIAMS, driver, is a flirtatious, rowdy, rebellious, raven-haired 20 year-old. This is her first real job, and she likes the attention of the men in the place. She has a crush on TOMMY. She is, however, all attitude and no action. During work hours, she keeps her uniform shirt out and unbuttoned to reveal a tight black t-shirt. But when she punches out at the end of the day, the shirt gets tucked back in, and stays in, as she returns to her boring, conservative life: living at home with her parents.

KIM GOLDMAN, who is, in her own words, in the "light 30s,"
works in the office handling customer service calls. She plays the dim, happily married mother hen to the drivers. ("Steve Spott! I told you to get me your daughter's dress size so that I could make her a Christmas skirt. Now I am just going to have to leave it around my tree for another year.")

BERAT SIMSEK, driver, is an intense Lebanese man in his early 20s. He came to America with nothing, and appreciates the "gret onion job" that Package Delivery provides. Some of the other drivers make fun of his accent. But he never gets upset. ("I don't never mind them. They want me feel small like they do. But I have special prayer when I want they know I understand. It is 'raiikondo salaycon.' Means 'Eat my shorts.'")

ALEX SOFRA, driver, is a jovial Russian immigrant in his 50s. He is used to hard work. He was an engineer in Russia, and worked as a lumberjack during his vacations to earn money for living expenses. With a son with muscular dystrophy, and a wife, sister and brother-in-law to support, he is always elated when opportunity knocks. ("When new union contract is passed, I get more day off every year to work other job!")

JOHN PETERSON, is a large slab of a man in his mid-twenties. Used to be a high-flying retail executive. He thinks he is the class clown, but he isn't funny. Even though he mimics and insults other people, he always ends up the butt of his own jokes. ("Look at all the empty crates in the back of this truck! Hey Simsek! Look! Affordable housing! I'll bless them for you: 'raiikondo salaycon, raiikondo salaycon!'")

RON "PEANUT" MANSFIELD, barely 20 and socially immature, is a
different kind of Supervisor. There is intelligence and an almost painful sensitivity behind his searching eyes. He is very naive about women (and life, for that matter), and the drivers enjoy busting his chops. He looks up to Rocky like a father. ("Rocky, the men told me I should stop chewing on my pencil eraser, especially when I am around the women drivers. Do you know what they are talking about?")

PAT "FABIO" NEWCOMB is Package Delivery's resident wise-guy
and song parodyist. He is pudgy and in his early 30s. He
has an MBA, but works here because "Package Delivery audiences are the best audiences in the world!" He is often found leading the men in song (old slave-era spirituals a favorite) as a response to one of the boss's ridiculous orders.

GUS BISHOP is a tall, powerfully built black man in his late
twenties who spends his days squished in at the dispatcher's desk. Officially, he is the company's dispatcher. Unofficially, he is spiritual advisor to the drivers, who call him "Father." Drivers are always asking him for advice, which he dispenses with wisdom (“The sexiest thing about a woman is the trust she gives to you.”) and a sly sense of humor ("I don't know what God would say about buying sex toys from the internet. Maybe 'don't buy Panasonic' -- cause they're slightly ahead of their time!") Gus dreams of opening his own ministry. One day he will realize that Package Delivery IS his own ministry.
ROCCO "ROCKY" GUERRERO is the Station Manager at Package
Delivery. He is only 39, yet appears much, much older and
stiffer. A former Marine Drill Sargeant, he thinks he is still running a boot camp. His style of management is sadistic: "I've noticed that you drivers are not pulling your freight off the belt fast enough. So I've developed a new, two-belt system. One, I've increased the tension and sped up the belt. Two, I will belt you if you stop paying attention."

JOHN "SUGARBEAR" CONNELLY, KENNY "SOURBALL" FULLAN, and PATTY
NORTON are drivers of mixed ages and dispositions.

PACKAGE DELIVERY SUPERVISORS are a constantly changing group
of geeks, freaks, adolescents and ass-kissers. They play the
roles of Disneyesque sidekicks to the villainous Rocky.
(SUPERVISOR #1 (wearing a wide grin and holding a brand new
dollar bill): "I told Rocky I let a driver go home to take
care of his ulcer. Know what he did? He high-fives me, says
'another one bites the dust!' Then tells me to buy myself
something nice. What a boss!")

JUDGE BARBARA WASHON-WARIT, early 40s, is the family court judge handling Steve's divorce. She is frighteningly naïve about people, and prejudiced against men. She thinks that every case can be handled with cookies and milk and other Psych 101 psycho-babble. ("Mrs. Smith, you were just convicted of axe-murdering your mother-in-law, and now Mr. Smith is asking for the court's protection. Come on now, Mr. Smith! Don't be such a big baby! Everyone knows that men need their mother's apron-strings cut!")


SAMPLE STORYLINES

1. THE ROUTE THAT REFRESHES Does the route make the driver happy, or is it the other way around? Alex Sofra always comes in happy and refreshed after his route. So the gang shares their
fantasies about their ideal route. Tommy dreams he is
super hunk, delivering his "package" to all the
receptionists. For Ana, Stop One is a massage, Stop Two
is a facial, Stop Three is a pedicure. Steve dreams he is
Super Spott, rescuing kids in distress. And Debbie?
Debbie the rebel refuses to share her dream. But, at the
end of the episode, we see her private dream of being
swept away by a man with a white picket fence and a
kitchen decorated with flowered wallpaper.

In the end, Alex soberly explains the source of his good
attitude: "In Russia, life was hard. Lines for bread.
Working as lumberjack on days off to pay for car. I
thought I had problems. But then my son was born with
Muscular Dystrophy. Compared to him, I have no problems."

2. THE VIENNESE CHARM

In the barn, TOMMY talks about how he always knows how
dates are going to turn out. (TOMMY: "It's just the way it
is. I say this, she says that. I do this, she does that.
I touch this, she touches that.") The drivers agree --
after all, they can reliably predict what Rocky will do in
any given circumstance. (FABIO: It's soooo simple. Rocky
will always do the opposite of what he thinks we want!)

Meanwhile, PEANUT'S Great-Uncle Hansel stops by to mail a
package and say hello. He is an average looking, yet
extraordinarily cheerful, man of about 70, with a
beautiful, young Asian wife. PEANUT explains how this is
Hansel's fourth wife -- all of them young and beautiful.
All PEANUT knows is that there is some family trait called
"The Viennese Charm" that Hansel has in abundance.

The drivers tease PEANUT unmercilessly, and egg him on to
show if he has "The Viennese Charm" like his Great-Uncle.
(SUGARBEAR: "I've heard that all the chicks are just
waiting for a good Waltz.") When TOMMY predicts that
PEANUT's dates will always end up the same -- sad and
alone, PEANUT summons up his courage and asks DEBBIE out.
And she accepts!

Steve and Ana, on a date that night, are also stuck in the
past. Despite their best efforts to not be predictable,
the conversation always turns back to ex's and kids. They
try all sorts of tricks -- like going to a bookstore and
browsing through the Auto Mechanics section, yet they
always find something that swings the topic back to
something from the past (ANA: "Wow. Engine oil pressure
can top 1500 pounds per square inch. Like the headaches
my ex gave me."). They vow to give up the past, but
wonder what they will replace it with. Since they only
recently met, they don't even have their own history to
talk about. So they decide to make it up.

The next morning at the barn, Steve and Ana talk about all
their made-up travels and adventures, totally confusing
their co-workers. But wait a sec -- where's PEANUT and
DEBBIE?

Somebody looks in the lunchroom, and brings them out,
looking all disheveled. PEANUT has a dumbfounded look on
his face. Debbie has a biiiig grin on hers. The last line
belongs to her: "The Viennese Charm."

3. HORSIES VS. MOO COWS

The company baseball game is coming up, and the rivalry
between the Horses and the Cows is escalating into trouble
at the barn. "The Masked Moo-rauder" is leaving
mysterious gifts in lockers. "Quick-Draw McGraw" is
scribbling on cars in the parking lot. Who are the
culprits?

The game is scheduled for a weekend that Steve has his
kids. But Steve isn't sure whether he should take his
kids where he will be distracted. He is trying to be the
perfect parent, and wants to give his kids his undivided
attention 100% of the time. ("I remember my mother
talking about her job at the dinner table, talking about
her co-workers as if they were her family. But WE were
her family! For years, I thought she loved her work
family more than she loved us.")

At Ana's urging, Steve calls his mother and asks her about
the dinner conversations. ("Wouldja believe it!?! She
told me that she just wanted to instill in us a sense of
pride about work. I made it mean something else!") When
Ana tells him, "The best thing you can do for your kids is
to play full out," play full out he does.

Meanwhile, TOMMY, who takes baseball way too seriously,
thinks that DEBBIE is the Masked Moo-rauder, and is only
messing up the lockers to get his attention. He turns on
the charm, and their flirting rises to dangerous levels.

Steve's team wins the baseball game, and his kids turn out
to be the mysterious pranksters -- they wanted him to play
full-out, too! And when Tommy finds out the Masked Moo-
rauder is Steve's 7-year old daughter (and not Debbie), he
gets a lesson in humility.

4. WHERE DO THEY ALL BELONG?

Dealing with the loneliness of being single, Steve and
Tommy decide to go out every night of the week. They
alternate picking places to go, but somehow always end up
around people desparately trying not to be lonely.

TOMMY ("Chicks who speak in syl-la-bles really know how to
hook up.") picks poetry reading for Monday. (WOMAN: "All
week. My anger. My hate. My loneliness. It cuts like a
knife. Twisted in my heart. Until finally. Release!
Rejoice! Here. At the Poetry Garden of Love." MAN:
"Mona, I'm so alona. May I call you on the phona?")
Tuesday, Steve picks a singles support group. Wednesday,
it's an on-line "meet." Thursday is father's rights night.
On Friday, with both men exhausted, Tommy reveals his
secret method for fighting loneliness: kiddie movies!
At the early show, they meet all of the lonely people --
including Ana and Peanut! Everyone just wants to forget
their troubles, laugh, and be kids again.

5. MUM'S THE WORD

The barn is about to be audited by corporate HQ. Rocky's
on an efficiency kick, giving early morning lectures
(ROCKY: "When you put your foot forcefully on the gas, you
waste fuel." FABIO: "You've been putting your foot
forcefully up our gas for years.") and handing out all
sorts of charts and diagrams. Soon, everybody is tripping
over each other, generally wasting time trying not to
waste time.

Ana needs a day off for personal business, and is refused
it by Rocky. The drivers explain that she should just
play the game and call in sick:

SUGARBEAR:
Never use your sickdays when you're sick.

SOURBALL:
Use them only for personal business and
religious holidays, which you don't get off.

STEVE:
But you can't let them find out that you're not
really sick.

TOMMY:
If they find out you are not sick, they don't
pay you, because if you are not sick, why are
you using a sick day?

FABIO:
If you are caught taking too many days off
when you are not sick, they punish you.

ANA:
Oh no! What do they do?

GUS:
They give you a day off.

Ana, however, can't be untruthful, so she is in a real
dilemma.

Meanwhile, something strange is going on with Peanut.
A couple of feathers fall out of his locker. Then there's
glitter on his face one morning. Turns out Peanut is a
Mummer, and will be appearing in the famous Mummer's
parade!

To cover for Peanut, get Ana a day off, and sabotage Rocky
at the same time, the gang plants feathers, make-up and
lacy underwear in Rocky's office for the auditor to find.
When the auditor uncovers what he thinks is Rocky's dirty
little secret, Rocky turns super-machismo. After he
sweats a little while, Ana comes in, claims the apparel as
hers, and thanks Rocky for being so understanding and
giving her the next day off. During the tag, the whole
gang cheers Peanut -- and Rocky, dressed in beads and
feathers! -- on at the parade.

6. ABUSIVE AMERICA

Peterson takes a consciousness-raising seminar, and
returns to work totally transformed -- self-expressed,
caring, and attentive. His enthusiasm is infectious, and
soon the entire Package Delivery crew is transformed --
they want to "have integrity," and "make a difference."
Rocky, observing from afar, is not happy. Productivity is
up, happiness is up, but his sense of control is down!

Even the usual barnyard humor is curtailed, with
instigators like Tommy and Fabio speaking like Elizabethan
gentlemen. Tommy, getting ready for a big date, must deal
with an inner conflict between self-gratification and
respect for his date.

Rocky calls Peterson in for a talk. Rocky says that
"everybody only is out for themselves. They only do what
is going to make themselves happy at that moment. The
real world is people abusing each other." To prove his
point, he turns on the television. It is a kids puppet
show (DON'T-MESS-WITH-ME STREET). Adults snicker, puppets
are sarcastic. "See," says Rocky, "these smart people are
teaching kids how to act in the real world."

Meanwhile, Steve takes a transformed attitude to the judge
in family court. Steve says that he is just asking for
freedom for his kids to be self-expressed, and to recieve
his caring and attention. Her honor, however, is not
moved. The judge doubts his motivation, and lectures him:
"Everybody only is out for themselves. They only do what
is going to make themselves happy at that moment." She
adds that "DON'T-MESS-WITH-ME STREET," her favorite
program, is about to start and she must be going. Court
adjourned.